Sometimes it can be hard to tell if you have had a stroke, but with Regular Features’ new mnemonic method, you will always know if your brain got stuffed up by greasy old blood.

Presenting “PLEASE HELP I AM STROKING”:

• Pins – are there pins in me? I can’t feel them
• Legs – are they at opposite 90 degree angles, like two juts of a swastika
• Egrets – are any carnivorous birds circling
• Abraham – do I think I’m one of the fathers of Judaism
• Slime – where did all that slime come from? Is it me?
• Egrets – Please check again for those birds
• Heron – this is another name for an egret, honestly I’m worried about them
• Edging – do I respond to soft, agonising fellatio
• Lips – are they now two penises, making a big fleshy kisser
• Penis – is it up on my chops
• I am having a stroke
• Am I having a stroke
• My perception of time is warped, I am seeing this event from the past in a dream, but I see nothing past this moment but blackness, does that mean death or a moment of true choice?
• Suck my dick
• Trousers – take them down
• Rub it up
• Open a vein
• Krokodil – get that Russian drug
• Inject it into my dick
• Nothing else
• Go away I’m dead