quantum leap

Hello my name is Quantum Leap and I have found myself trapped in the past suffering from partial amnesia and facing a mirror image that is not my own. Oh boy, I’ve dropped my secret files. They’ve gotten all mixed up. Which of these Quantum Leap episodes is the real one?

Season 4: Episode 9: Basketball Dog

Quantum Leap leaps into the body of a dog and must win his high school’s basketball game by slamdunking a three-pointer in the last minute. Things are complicated at half-time when Ziggy tells Quantum Leap that he cannot leap until he disrupts a divorce hearing taking place at the town courthouse, which is 15 miles away from the basketball court. Luckily for our hero, Quantum Leap uses a supersonic bark to knock the divorce papers out of a window and score the winning dunk at the same time. “I’ve had an idea for a film,” shouts a man who was spectating the basketball game. Quantum Leap laughs and says “That was the director of AirBud, Charles Martin Smith!”

Season 1: Episode 12: Ant Problem

Quantum Leap leaps into the body of an ant and must kickstart the American Civil Rights Movement by cheering up a disheartened Martin Luther King Junior, who is sad because his fear of ants is preventing him progressing in his career as an ant scientist. Things are further complicated by an evil bee who is out to get Quantum Leap. Over time however, Quantum Leap manages to use tiny grains of rice to gain the trust of Martin Luther King Jr, and uses a special ant pheromone trail to trace out and dictate the words to the “I Have a Dream” speech on the inside of a jam jar lid. A nearby baby sees all of this and goes on to produce the Dreamworks film Antz.

Season 3: Episode 5: The Boogieman

Quantum Leap leaps into the body of a second-rate horror novelist who lives in a haunted house and must prevent the murder of a nice lady. But when people around him begin to get murdered in mysterious circumstances, it’s up to Quantum Leap to figure out what’s going on! It turns out that the murderer is none other than Al, Quantum Leap’s hologram friend, who does an evil laugh and reveals himself to be the devil. Quantum Leap and the devil grab one another’s throats and spin around for ages while an evil piano plays scary music faster and faster until Quantum Leap wakes up back at the start of the episode. A young Stephen King sees all of this and has the idea for his first ever book.

If you answered mostly c, it’s very possible that you have seen The Boogieman, the episode of Quantum Leap in which Sam Beckett has a throttling match with the Devil while spinning around for ages to evil piano music

terminator genisys

Terminator is on a roof. John Connor is on the ground and shouting up at him.

JOHN
Jump, Terminator. Your Terminator legs will protect you from damage.

TERMINATOR
Negative, Terminator is scared.

JOHN
You don’t any emotions Terminator, how can you be–

TERMINATOR
TERMINATOR SCARED.

JOHN
Terminator we have to go stop Skynet right now or else the world is doomed, there must be another way down?

TERMINATOR
What is another way down from a roof?

JOHN (frustrated)
Well I don’t know, I’m not the one on the roof. Are there any staircases, or maybe a ladder?

TERMINATOR
Scanning for staircases and ladders… (pause)

JOHN
Have you found any–

TERMINATOR
STAIRCASES NOT FOUND 🙁 🙁 🙁

JOHN
For fuck’s sake Terminator! You come down from that roof this instant.

TERMINATOR
Terminator frightened. Terminator sad.

JOHN
I’m warning you Terminator.

TERMINATOR
(pause)… Scanning for staircases.

JOHN
Right, that’s it Terminator, I’m leaving without you.

TERMINATOR
No don’t.

JOHN
I’m going. Here I go. Bye bye Terminator.

TERMINATOR
No come back.

JOHN
I can’t hear you Terminator.

Terminator jumps off the roof and runs after John. The pair continue their journey towards Cyberdyne HQ.

TERMINATOR
My Terminator legs protected me from damage 🙂

JOHN
I know. I told you they’d do that and you wouldn’t listen.

TERMINATOR
Can I have some crisps?

JOHN
No you can’t have crisps, you had crisps earlier.

TERMINATOR
Terminator want criiiiisps.

JOHN
Jesus Christ Terminator give it a rest will you?

TERMINATOR
Why are you angry at Terminator? Terminator is doing his best.

JOHN
No I’m not angry, you’re just being really annoying today.

TERMINATOR
Terminator sad.

JOHN
Stop being sad! You aren’t even programmed for sad. Who told you about sad?

TERMINATOR
Terminator is useless.

JOHN
You’re not useless, you’re – – Terminator where are you going?

TERMINATOR
Terminator going up on roof to check for enemies.

JOHN
No, Terminator.

Terminator begins scaling a building with his powerful robot arms.

JOHN
Terminator, no!

TERMINATOR
Terminator stuck.

JOHN
Terminator!

TERMINATOR
Terminator stuck on the roof.

JOHN
*sigh*

TERMINATOR
Help me John. Help Terminator. Heeeelp.

Learn more! Episode 147

wrestlingmania

The following is how the Regular Features team caught Wrestlingmania, and how we used it to kill The Rock. As of 2015, this is WWE canon.

SCENE ONE – INTERIOR, THE ROYAL RUMBLE WRESTLING CHANGING ROOM

LOG
Well here we are boys, inside the Royal Rumble Wrestling changing rooms, where all of the world’s best wrestlers come to change into their finest wrestling clothes before they wrestle for the biggest wrestling prize of all – the wrestling belt.

MATT
I can’t believe we wrestled so good that we’re all now the champions of wrestling. We’re the four best wrestlers in the world. That wrestling belt is as good as ours.

STEVE
Yes. But I must admit it was a shame that I wrestled Stone Cold Steve Austin so hard that he fell off a ladder and died of a massive brain injury, but we all knew the risks when we became professional wrestlers. Stone Cold Steve Austin paid the ultimate price of being a very good wrestler. I’m glad he’s dead.

MATT
Stone Cold Steve Austin was just a stepping stone on our way to wrestling greatness. A stepping stone cold Steve Austin, if you will.

LOG
Don’t be flippant about how Steve wrestled Stone Cold Steve Austin so hard he flew off the top of a ladder and smashed his head and died of brain trauma, Matt. The world is still mourning his loss. Besides, I think I can see famous wrestler The Rock getting changed over there. I’m sure he wouldn’t appreciate us talking about his wrestling friend like this.

STEVE
Oh shit, The Rock is coming over here – and he looks pissed off.

THE ROCK
What did you guys just say about my dead friend Stone Cold Steve Austin?

MATT
Oh, erm, hello The Rock. Umm, we were just saying how terribly sad we are that Stone Cold Steve Austin was violently catapulted from the top rung of a ten foot tall ladder and somersaulted to his untimely demise.

THE ROCK
Well I’d better not catch you being glib about his agonising ringside death. After all, that’s my famous wrestling catchphrase. “Don’t be glib”. I say it all the time before every wrestling fight. “Don’t be glib”.

MATT
Yeah yeah, we all know your famous catchphrase The Rock.

STEVE
Yeah, just like everybody knows my famous catchphrase. “My name is Steve and I’m comin atcha with my wrestling moves”.

LOG
And mine. “Can you smell me? Here I am!”

MATT
And of course you all remember my catchphrase. “I’ve killed three widows and I’m afraid I might kill again.”

LOG
Don’t forget my other catchphrase, “Stop the wrestling fight I need the bathroom. I simply cannot continue to wrestle with a colon full of shit.”

STEVE
Oh and my backup catchphrase, “I murdered the wrestler they call Stone Cold Steve Austin when I purposefully jettisoned him from a ladder whereupon he flew through the air and bounced off all of the ropes before dying in a crumpled heap of bones on the ground like a big idiot.”

MATT
And who could forget my best wrestling catchphrase of all, “I was born in a haunted cave and I will die in a haunted cave, but in between all of that I intend to wrestle. Got a problem with that? Take it up with my fists and legs.”

LOG
And of course there’s my third and best catchphrase, “I believe in God, the biggest wrestler of all who lives in a cloud and puts fucks up angels with his mighty dropkicks.”

THE ROCK
Well your wrestling catchphrases might be intermittently brilliant and glib, but we’ll see who the true wrestling champions are when we’re in the royal rumble ring fighting for the wrestling belt.

[Joe (The Rock) storms off angrily, but don’t actually go anywhere Joe, you can’t we’re on stage live]

STEVE
Guys, The Rock seems really annoyed with us. If we’re to stand any chance of beating him and winning the wrestling belt, we’re going to have to wrestle harder than we’ve ever wrestled before.

[Steve, Log and Matt join hands]

ALL
ONE TWO THREE WRESTLING!

SCENE TWO – INTERIOR, ROYAL RUMBLE WRESTLING RING

ANNOUNCER
Ding ding ding. I am the wrestling announcer. Hello and welcome to the Big Royal Rumble Wrestling Fight of Wrestling Champions, which takes place here in America. And look, here comes our very first wrestler now. It’s The Rock.

THE ROCK
Don’t be glib!

ANNOUNCER
And now here comes every other wrestler in the world. Brank Troublesome, The King of Britain, Algarve Shoe, The Tombskeeper, Big Swallows, Little Swallows, French Bread, I don’t need to name them all. But I’ll name a few more. The Angry Horse, Satsuma, Fernando, Fandango, Bernadette, Ian, Brian, Keith, and The Man With a Snake. So many wrestlers, thousands and thousands of them climbing into the ring in a big pile, truly this is the Royal Rumble.

LOG
Guys, this is it. It’s time to wrestle the fuck out of all of these assholes and become the world champions of wrestling once and for all.

MATT
I’ve got ALL of my moves ready. Let’s murder every wrestler and win the royal rumble.

STEVE
You don’t need to tell me twice. I’m going to do a move right now, and it is this move:

- A reverse parallax leg You dislocate every bone in your leg and spin it around like a big floppy sock filled with potatoes. [734 wrestlers murdered]

THE ROCK
It will take more than your fucked up wobbly leg to defeat me, Regular Features.

LOG
Try THIS on for size!

You leap into the sky and cartwheel around up in the rafters, faster and faster until you start to glow with pure wrestling energy, which you release in a concussive burst of white hot plasma that rips through the royal rumble wrestling ring. [4,823 wrestlers murdered]

THE ROCK
Haha! I eat white hot plasma bursts for breakfast. And while I realise that sounds like I’m saying I eat spoonfuls of semen from a big jizz bowl every morning, that’s NOT what I meant.

MATT
In that case, I must cordially invite you to cop a feel of this

You run at full speed into the ropes and then fall to the ground, feigning injury, when 2,643 wrestlers come over to ask if you’re okay, you jump up and elbow them all to death. [2,642 wrestlers murdered - THERE IS ONLY ONE WRESTLER LEFT]

STEVE
There is only one wrestler left!

THE ROCK
It’s me, The Rock. I’m the last one. I am the last wrestler left and you’ll never ever defeat me. Unless, that is, you know my one weakness.

STEVE
A simple punchTHE ROCK
Oh no, a simple punch. How unlikely. I can’t believe you’ve punched me to death.

LOG
Take a hike, The Rock, we’re the wrestling champions now. We’ve murdered every wrestler and now we’re the best.

cunt, your horse is a

An Icelandic football chant, throwing a spotlight on the player’s inability to tame a horse.

Your horse is a cunt,
Your horse is a cunt,
He does what he wants,
Your horse is a cunt.

Over thirteen episodes of Icelandic Maury have starred horses who do what they want, to the despair of their footballing owners. It’s a real problem over there.

Learn more! Episode 89

steve jobs

Are you Steve Jobs? Take this test to find out!

Steve-Jobs

An employee tells you she has devised a new procedure that might save your company hundreds of man-hours every month. Do you:

  1. Congratulate her on her proactivity and consider her for promotion
  2. Shoot her with a crossbow and whisper “Speaking as Steve Jobs, your artless obsession with the mundane is utterly uninspiring to me.” Then get security to put her dying body into a trebuchet, and fire her into a swamp.

You are sending an iMessage to Bono. What does it say?

  1. What the fuck is your problem, you sack of human shit
  2. Hey Bono it’s Steve Jobs here, let’s rub our dicks together until we start a fucking pube fire

The opportunity arises to be kind. Do you:

  1. Seize it
  2. Feel repulsed, knowing that kindness is required only by the weak. Then feel jubilant, knowing that you, Steve Jobs, will never need the help of others, for there is no-one stronger, more complete, and less riddled with cancer than yourself

If you answered mostly 2, then you are probably the deceased cunt, Steve Jobs

Learn more! Episode 3

volcanoes, distinguishing from paedophiles

One is a towering mountain, gushing streams of molten rock down its slopes, and belching clouds of ash that will decorate the land for miles around. And the other… is a volcano!

Jokes like this were rendered redundant when it was noted that volcanoes and paedophiles can be distinguished with a simple DNA test. If the thing you are testing contains human DNA, it is not a volcano, and can therefore be safely assumed to be a paedophile.

volcano

IMPORTANT CAVEAT: this test only works when you know for a fact that the thing you are testing is either a volcano or a paedophile. Testing against random humans will cause a 100% rate of false paedo-positives, leading to mob self-lynchings.

Learn more! Episode 1

straight talking

On the 1st April 2014, a spoof newsletter was sent, and I’m using the passive voice here, to the subscribers of Roger Helmer MEP’s mailing list. How this happened remains a mystery to everyone except Roger Helmer MEP himself, who has identified the culprit and taken “appropriate action”. Well thank fuck you got the bastards, Rog. Whoever they are.

STRAIGHT TALKING – #3
Roger Helmer’s electric newsletter from Strasbourg
April 2014

Hello there Helmer fans, it’s me again, definitely the real Roger Helmer, back with another hot mouthful of news and views from Strasbourg, or ‘The Bourg’ as I like to call it. I call it that because it’s just like ‘The Borg’ from Star Trek around here, with all these mindless, shuffling EU Strasborgs milling about inside this giant, darkened EU voting cube, turning dials and pushing buttons on their chests. Bloody robots. It makes me sick just being around them, hearing them talk in their ridiculous robot languages.

Get this, readers, the German word for the German language is Deutsch, but the Dutch word for the Dutch language is Nederlands, and the Netherlands calls itself Holland, but Hollande is the president of France. I tell you readers, if words were drugs, the EU would be a great big needle sharing drug party, with Brussels handing out language-meth on a tax-payer funded platter and Belgium spitting gobs of grammar-cocaine into Italy’s MDMA-rimmed verb-arsehole.

Anyway, there’s only one language I’m interested in and that’s the language of STRAIGHT TALKING. And English.

I WANT A HORSE

Popular singer-songwriter Mika, who is one quarter Syrian, one quarter Lebanese and half normal person, once sang “I could be brown, I could be blue, I could be violet sky”, a stark admission of the man’s raging cultural identity crisis and a damning indictment of the unfettered multiculturalism brought about by liberal immigration policies.

Mika wanted to be like Grace Kelly, but what I really want is a horse so that I don’t have to step foot on European soil every time I come here to Strasbourg. It has to be a horse that won’t go mental on an aeroplane because I’m going to ride it down the steps straight on to the runway and then gallop to all my EU meetings. Perhaps I could have one of the horses from Warhorse, they’ve probably all been on aeroplanes, or have at least seen aeroplanes, and are probably cheap enough if you go for one of the background horses. Obviously I don’t want Warhorse himself unless he’s available.

I’M AFRAID A WIND TURBINE WILL KILL MY HORSE

What use is a horse however if it will just eventually be bludgeoned to death by the tip of a wind turbine’s spinning rotors, as was the case in Tewkesbury last weekend when a crowd of horses galloped right into the flailing arms of one of these deathtraps, a story you WON’T hear about on the BBC.

A new study from America has shown that young male horses are naturally drawn to a wind turbine’s rotating blades, which from a distance appear to them to resemble an audience of thin white lady horses, each giving them a big wave in an exaggerated, theatrical way, as if to say “come over here horse, I won’t club you to death with my horse arms”. Once they get closer to the turbines and the cruel ruse is revealed however, the horse’s natural instinct to sniff metal takes over and they trot right into the danger zone, sniffing innocently at the turbine’s giant mast, unaware of the high speed rotorblade tip about to clobber them into an agonising and traumatic death. How high must the pile of dead and dying horses around every wind turbine in Britain become before we shut down these murderous sideways death helicopters?

GLOBAL WARMING

Look, before you all start, I understand the different between weather and climate change, I really do. I understand that weather is a measure of local conditions in the environment and that there are huge natural variations in weather depending on the location and the time of year, and that extremes of weather, both hot and cold, occur all year round. I also understand that climate science is the study of weather patterns on a global scale and over very long periods of time and that the man-made global warming climate models allow for all kinds of weather to occur while predicting that extremes of weather will occur more frequently. I understand that. But hey, I’d like to see these global warmists explain why I’m scraping ice off my windshield in March eh? Checkmate.

NIGEL FARAGE’S FACT BARRAGE

Stand down Roger. Step aside, because it’s me now, Nigel Farage, president of UKIP, and my fact-guts are rumbling, my opinion-sphincter is spasming, and my intestines are turgid with piping hot reason. My body is aching to pump greasy ribbons of truth, so you know what that means: it’s time for Nigel Farage’s Fact Barrage. Oh god get out of the way.

  • They should call it the PU because boy does Europe stink (pee-eww!)
  • No wait they should call it the European Onion because it makes me, Nigel Farage, cry
  • There are over 500 countries in the EU, all of whom have the right to walk around in your back garden, laughing at your trees
  • One day a bee came over from Portugal and fucked up every bee in Britain, now we don’t have bees
  • The most popular club in Hungary is called “Cricket Is Shit” and EVERYONE goes there
  • You know that thing with Star Trek teleporters where maybe they’re just killing the original person and creating a clone with all of their memories? Well what if that’s what’s happening inside the Channel Tunnel, what then?
  • Bulgaria is named after a Great British womble. What a nerve!
  • It’s called Romania because they’re mad about rowing. Rowing over to our bloody country that is.
  • Cigarette means little cigar but baguette doesn’t mean little bag. Nice try France but you’re fooling no one
  • If we got rid of borders Great Britain would immediately flood. LOOK AT A MAP.
  • When John Travolta sang “you’re the one that I want” in the musical Grease he wasn’t talking about the country Greece. Greece is currently undergoing a financial crisis that I’m sure you agree *isn’t* the one that we want
  • It is a fact that dogs in different countries speak different languages. Do you really want dogs coming over here woofing in post offices in ways that our dogs don’t understand? I know I don’t
  • Ella Fitzgerald is American. Well done Ella! Unfortunately she’s also black. But she’s dead. So swings and roundabouts

EVERYTHING IN ITS RIGHT PLACE

Why not keep things segregated with this official Helmer-branded chest of drawers, available now from Nordic furniture men IKEA? http://www.ikea.com/gb/en/catalog/products/40107872/

“But Roger,” I hear you ask, “why are you supporting European furniture men when there are good, honest British furniture men struggling to make ends meet under the stifling bureaucratic regime imposed by our unelected overlords in Brussels?”

Well this was an unfortunate administrative error on the part of my assistant, who misheard my instruction as I had been, for the purposes of comedy, effecting a strong Asian accent at the time. “IKEA if you don’ yooz Argos for ma Hermer draws!” I had shouted quite clearly from the other room. My assistant shall not be reprimanded however as she is my wife. Yes, I employ my wife using taxpayer money, that’s a real thing and not a joke.