Torchwood is a TV show in which literally anything goes. One minute Captain Jack Harkness will be stood on the roof of a Cardiff building, and the next minute a bloke gets his dick shattered into stardust by an alien with proper nice tits. And everything inbetween!

Torchwood? Touch wood (erect penis) more like!

Here is a brief guide to the first episodes of Torchwood:

The Bum Column: Two gay aliens get commissioned by a hypnotised Mayor of London to perform anal on the vacant fourth pillar in Trafalgar Square. When everyone in the UK begins to wank themselves to death, it’s up to Captain Jack to drink all the spunk then puke it into the wormhole that brought the aliens here.

The Dick Dilemma: Gwen is conflicted when she gets promoted to a job she never applied for: the Madam of an interstellar brothel ship, and her loyalty to Rhys is tested when the juiciest penis in the universe begins to produce gallons of space pre-cum from its titanium urethra. Luckily, Captain Jack is there to take a hit for the team.

The Moon Frump: A puritanical new recruit disapproves of all the sex antics, causing Captain Jack to physically invert from sexual frustration. With Jack’s mouth out of action, can Tosh and Ianto save the universe from a massive moon tit, by drinking all the milk it’s squirting at Earth? And why does the new recruits passport say that she’s from… the moon?

In later episodes, an American man said “you fags be crazy” and everyone got embarrassed and decided to calm down.

Learn more! Episode 1

trousers, removing your

When a man removes his trousers, it is a dark portent. Nothing good can come of even the unbuckling of a belt, let alone the sinister swoosh of fabric against thigh as his leggings fump into a foreboding heap.

Nine times out of ten you can expect this scene to play out:

Learn more! Episode 2


There are many excellent reasons to faint. These include:

  1. You are bleeding out, and you body needs to lower blood pressure to delay death.
  2. The venom has paralysed you, and now the spider is pointing its egg sac into your tear duct and there ain’t nobody got time for that.
  3. You’ve been holding your breath for two hours as part of a melodramatic response to a passenger farting in your car
  4. It’s the 1920s in Manhattan, and you’re one of those guys sat on a girder eating their lunch thousands of feet in the air. It has just occurred to you that if you fell off you’d be fucked

If you faint on a Ghost Train, simply pretend that you fell asleep because it was so relaxing. This will make you seem 115% badass.

Learn more! Episode 87