Torchwood is a TV show in which literally anything goes. One minute Captain Jack Harkness will be stood on the roof of a Cardiff building, and the next minute a bloke gets his dick shattered into stardust by an alien with proper nice tits. And everything inbetween!

Torchwood? Touch wood (erect penis) more like!

Here is a brief guide to the first episodes of Torchwood:

The Bum Column: Two gay aliens get commissioned by a hypnotised Mayor of London to perform anal on the vacant fourth pillar in Trafalgar Square. When everyone in the UK begins to wank themselves to death, it’s up to Captain Jack to drink all the spunk then puke it into the wormhole that brought the aliens here.

The Dick Dilemma: Gwen is conflicted when she gets promoted to a job she never applied for: the Madam of an interstellar brothel ship, and her loyalty to Rhys is tested when the juiciest penis in the universe begins to produce gallons of space pre-cum from its titanium urethra. Luckily, Captain Jack is there to take a hit for the team.

The Moon Frump: A puritanical new recruit disapproves of all the sex antics, causing Captain Jack to physically invert from sexual frustration. With Jack’s mouth out of action, can Tosh and Ianto save the universe from a massive moon tit, by drinking all the milk it’s squirting at Earth? And why does the new recruits passport say that she’s from… the moon?

In later episodes, an American man said “you fags be crazy” and everyone got embarrassed and decided to calm down.

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