Yogamon is the branch of Yoga which incorporates the battle ethics and collection quest of Pokémon. This script describes a typical Yogamon story and battle, and can be heard in Episode 193, Wild Yoga Garlic Dogs. It’s worth it, as the exertion noises in Yogamon are always very impressive.
Roaring off the back of his steaming success against Damp Slick: leader of the Hot Yoga gym, our adventurer stretches towards destiny – along the road to Actually It’s Organic Viridian City.
BOY
Oh boy, what an adventure! Damp Slick sure puts up one sliiiippery hustle!
OLD MAN
Ohoho! Why yes, he sure does! Most boys your age find the fumes of his steam rooms too intoxicating, losing control of their supple little bods while Slick skips around and totally dominates the situation!
BOY
Well, I sure showed him! The power of hot men and hot-hot steam aren’t enough to overcome the power of HEART. And I’ve got to be the very best, you see – like someone already presumably is? But then they won’t be the very best, because I’ll be the very best.
OLD MAN
That’s how rankings work, my boy! And what mighty looking legs you have – one day you might well be the world’s best Yoga-er.
BOY
I AM the best, grandpa!
OLD MAN
Oh-hohoho! Not with THOSE puny glutes! I bet you couldn’t even manage a Reverse-Bundy Mallet
BOY
Oh YEAH? WATCH THIS!
Boy makes exertion noises as Old Man continues his critical appraisal.
OLD MAN
With a twist? Downward facing? On the rocks? Oh my, quite the SPIRIT. Well then… perhaps you’re ready… to face ME!
The sound of Lightning happens in a shocking twist
BOY
FUCK-WHIZZ! It’s Lightning Lotus, the long-lost leader of the Thunder Yoga Gym!
OLD MAN
OH AYE, IT FUCKING IS. STRETCH EM OUT, KIDDLES!
NARRATOR
THE SKIES TURNED BLACK AS LASHES OF LIGHTNING CRASHED DOWN UPON OUR BRAVE ADVENTURER!
Boy makes extreme noises of exertion against the backdrop of severe weather and shit like that
NARRATOR
Arching his back as the blade of electricity slipped from the sky, the young boy dodged bolt after bolt after bolt after bolt
OLD MAN
Now that I’ve compromised your hull integrity, how about THIS
Encore de LIGHTNING NOISE
BOY
Oh jeepers! That one almost frazzled my gooch!
OLD MAN
Ah-haha!
BOY
I guess you should have known better, old man!
OLD MAN
Huuuuhhh?!
BOY
I’ve spent weeks preparing for this moment – maintaining the Pristine Pachinko pose
while been rubbing Ultra-Matcha lattes into my thighs!
OLD MAN
But that means…
BOY
That’s right – I’ve electro-magnetically CHARGED UP MY GOOCH!
NARRATOR
Releasing the blast of carefully accumulated bum-to-balls electric energy, our adventurer defeated Lightning Lotus!
BOY
I guess I had the BALLS and YOU BLEW the JOB!
OLD MAN
Fuck! Fuck everything! I’m going to live in a mountain or something. Fuck! Fuck you! Fuck everything, honesty. Just fuck it.
NARRATOR
WILL OUR YOUNG ADVENTURER DEFEAT FROSTY NIPS, THE MASTER OF THE ICE YOGA TEMPLE? AND WHAT ABOUT THE MASTER OF THE GHOST-YOGA GYM? HOW WILL HE CONTEND WITH SUCH A SLIPPERY SPOOKY? FIND OUT IN NEXT WEEK’S EPISODE OF YOGAMON!