sex, non-human

Do you like custard? Of course you do. That’s because it’s got eggs in it, and eggs are for sex. It also contains vanilla, which is the kind of sex you have if you can’t stop imagining your mum walking in, and don’t want to upset her too much. Not forgetting milk and cream, which … Read more

shit and piss, gunky buttock filled with, harry potter and the

Once upon a time, renowned audio tit Cassetteboy chopped up Stephen Fry’s reading of the Harry Potter books and transformed them into something beautiful. His first story was Harry Potter and the Black Leather Cunt, which was to be followed by Harry Potter and the Underage Blow-Job. Several years passed, until Log decided to copy this idea, … Read more

snooker, dennis patterson and the cosmic lords of

This script was abandoned by Hollywood because Donald Trump hates Snooker. Donald Trump would HATE it if you spent millions of pounds making this script a reality. [fountain] EXT. ZERO GRAVITY GOD DIMENSION. DAY BOOMING VOICE Why are you here, Dennis Patterson? DENNIS I have come to defeat the three eldritch lords of Snooker, and … Read more

Star Trek: Discovery

This script was initially intended to replace Episodes 6 to 12 of the third season of Discovery. Ultimately, it was replaced with something about the Guardian of Forever – like THAT’S a thing – and two episodes about Georgiou, in which she really grew from being a grumpy sass-pot, into an unrepentant torturer of her … Read more

steve and joe’s body swap adventure

After “long-hugging”, body-swapping is the number one tool in the relationship counsellor’s arsenal. Just look how a simple body-swap adventure can resolve conflicts, build empathy, and end up with both parties teaming up for one last heist.

steve jobs

Are you Steve Jobs? Take this test to find out! An employee tells you she has devised a new procedure that might save your company hundreds of man-hours every month. Do you: Congratulate her on her proactivity and consider her for promotion Shoot her with a crossbow and whisper “Speaking as Steve Jobs, your artless obsession with the … Read more

straight talking

On the 1st April 2014, a spoof newsletter was sent, and I’m using the passive voice here, to the subscribers of Roger Helmer MEP’s mailing list. How this happened remains a mystery to everyone except Roger Helmer MEP himself, who has identified the culprit and taken “appropriate action”. Well thank fuck you got the bastards, … Read more

Strokes, Did You Have One??

Sometimes it can be hard to tell if you have had a stroke, but with Regular Features’ new mnemonic method, you will always know if your brain got stuffed up by greasy old blood. Presenting “PLEASE HELP I AM STROKING”: Pins – are there pins in me? I can’t feel them Legs – are they at … Read more