Are you a shit parent? By which we mean, are you an obviously great parent who has the occasional moment where you just stare at your child and think “FUCK YOU”? Then you’ll love Scabby Daddies, the Regular Features parenting podcast on the Regular Features Big Daddy network. Let’s GO!
STEVE
Welcome to the brand new podcast on the Regular Features network, about…
JOE
… what colossal failures we are as fathers. This is Scabby Daddies, and we’re going to be taking
STEVE
… a refreshingly honest look at the trials that fathers like
JOE
… us face every day, and how we sometimes don’t
STEVE
… meet the basic requirements of decency and attentiveness that might,
JOE
… in a court of law,
STEVE
… be considered to discharge our duty of care, and leave us wide open to accusations of
BOTH
… death by criminal neglect.
JOE
So what’s you little tyke been playing this week? Fortnite I shouldn’t wonder!
STEVE
I took his Fortnite off him, and cable tied his wrists together. Then I made him put his chin in his palms and say “I’m a stupid boy”
JOE
My toddler was looking at me funny so I dropkicked the nonce
STEVE
My nine-year-old was watching a PEGI 12 stream on YouTube so I grabbed him by the upper arm and said “oh, you like grown up stuff do you”? And I made him watch that video where a bloke puts a glass jar up his arse and it shatters up there, and he pulls shards out of himself while blood drips onto the floor.
JOE
I’m thinking of having a third kid, you know, for the human caterpillar
STEVE
I’ve got a confession Joe
JOE
Lay it on me Steve
STEVE
I don’t have kids, I just spend a lot of time imagining myself as a bad parent so limit the feeling of regret that I’m my mid-40s, my family is dwindling, and soon it’ll just be me
JOE
It’s OK Log – I mean Steve. This is the last generation of humans.
STEVE [touched]
That’s really kind Joe, that really helps
JOE
Next week on Scabby Daddies, I’m going to give my kids laxatives, lock the toilet, and scream at them when they shit themselves
STEVE
And I’ll be staging a mock suicide for my nine-year-old to walk in on