fivers, new

Is your business ready to accept the new five pound note? The new five pound note is money, and therefore in your business’ best interests. But you don’t want to throw good money after bad, so it’s important that you’re “on the money” with the new five pound note. After all, you know what they say: “money is as money does, so let’s do some money”.

Here are some important facts to bear in mind about the new money that is happening, and may already have happened.

  1. You can test the new polymer banknotes by tickling the queen’s tits with a feather. If you are arrested for treason, the bank note is real and can be safely banked.
  2. The new notes have a heist mode – they hoot and inflate like balloons during a heist, forcing you to chase them around with a butterfly net like you’re in the Crystal fuckin’ Dome or something. All bank notes therefore have to be acutely sensitive to heist conditions, and may inflate accidentally if you say things like “put the ingots into my knapsack” or “you won’t believe what’s in this safety deposit box, Jeff, it’s some kind of gigantic ruby. I’ve never seen anything like it. It must be worth a billion dollars”.
  3. Some lucky notes will have a “double or nothing” scratchbox in the corner. Reveal a lucky double, and your note will expand, fold, mutate, and enter a fleshy cocoon stage for three weeks. Once the meat around the exhaust port turns pinkish-brown and begins to discharge an ash-grey paste, jam two fingers firmly into the ham-like aperture and yank out the squealing money prawn. This is legal tender, and can be used at any participating newsagent. If, however, you reveal a “nothing”, you will have destroyed some money, and be arrested for treason.
  4. To make up for years of banknotes dominated by male historical figures, every five-pound note will feature a different Spice Girl. This means there will only be five printed. This will make them too valuable to release into the public, so they will be kept by a millionaire, who will use them to dab at his willy after a long night of edging. The Spice Girl notes will immediately be replaced by a new new Five Pound note, which features a beautiful drawing of a bearded God giving a bearded Moses a secret eleventh commandment – “thou shalt not menstruate on my big holy dick”.
  5. If you can think of an amount of money that there isn’t already a banknote for, then you have “discovered” that banknote, and can ask the Mint Bank Of Britain to mint you a special note with your face on it. But watch out! The queen can see all the way around the note, so if you’re sticking your tongue out, you will be arrested for treason.
  6. All new bank notes will have full AI, that will allow them to solve really hard puzzles, and fall in love. This means that they will be covered by the human rights act, which in turn means that you can only spend them with the note’s consent. This only goes to show how ridiculous human rights are in the first place, and they should all be revoked immediately.
  7. Did you think the word “mint” was a combination of the words “money” and “print”? Think again! It’s because money was invented by Marco Polo, in Season 2 of the TV Series Marco Polo. Kublai Khan was all like “my breath’s honking, get us some mints from the shop”, and Marco was all like “shit, how do I buy things” so he quickly invented money. No-one has been allowed to have the surname Polo since, in case more money happens, causing inflation.

If you see a new fiver in the wild, be sure to Tweet us @bankofengland!