Are you gay?
Here is a simple test for men: imagine you are sat at your desk, and you become dimly aware of a swooshing sound. Increasing in intensity, you begin to hear joyful screams between the rushes of air. Eventually distracted from your work, you turn around, and see that someone from HR has misunderstood your request for a gel wrist-rest, and has relocated the Pirate Ship ride from Alton Towers next to your desk.
If you think “I wish that had been a nice juicy dick I could’ve sucked”, they you may be gay.
For women, the test is slightly different. Simply replace the pirate ship with the Cine 360 cinema from the same amusement park, which looked like a big cloth tit.
To find out of you are straight, simply take the test for the opposite gender. That’s how simple it is. Two binary switches, yessiree.