STEVE
Hmm, hmm, hmm, washing my hair. Doop de doo.
GRACE JONES
Work, to the rhythm.
STEVE
Whuh, hello?
GRACE JONES
Dance, to the rhythm.
STEVE
Who’s there?
GRACE JONES
It’s me Grace Jones, I’m down here darling, I’m inside your plughole.
STEVE
Grace Jones? In my plughole? How on earth did you get in there?
GRACE JONES
Love to the rhythm. Well darling, I was doing some plumbing work and I seem to have got sucked down the pipes. Slave to the rhythm.
STEVE
Oh my goodness, how long have you been stuck in there Grace Jones?
GRACE JONES
For several months now my dear. Since before you moved in, I have been trapped here inside your plumbing. Pull up to the bumper baby. Boo bee boop beoo boohoo.
STEVE
You mean to say that the entire time I’ve been living here, you’ve been inside my pipes?
GRACE JONES
That’s right darling. And let me give you one word of advice: try wiping your arsehole before you jump in the shower. It’s like a farmer’s welcome mat down here. La vie en rose.
STEVE
Hey now, I happen to have an especially delicate anus that requires careful washing with warm water and soap.
TOM JONES
It’s not unusual.
STEVE AND GRACE JONES
Tom Jones?!
TOM JONES
That’s right you crazy cats. I’ve also been living down here in your drains with my wife, Grace Jones, for the last seven months. And let me tell you, I’ve been having a whale of a time. *tom jones cough* I felt the knife in my hand, and she laughed no more.
GRACE JONES
So that’s what’s been digging into my thigh this whole time, I thought it was a hardened protuberance of Steve’s calcified pubic hair, but it’s my bastard husband Tom Jones. Big black limousine.
STEVE
I’m sorry, hold on, why have neither of you made a sound until now?
TOM JONES
Well I’ve quite enjoyed the peace and quiet if I’m being perfectly honest with you, man. What’s new pussycat? Whooah woaooohh.
GRACE JONES
Yes darling, it’s actually been really marvelous down here in your pipes. I’ve enjoyed getting to know the ins and outs of your personal plumbing. And let me tell you, it’s all been perfectly tasteful. Tu cherches quoi, rencontrer la mort? Tu te prends pour qui? Toi aussi tu détestes la vie.
STEVE
I’m sorry Grace Jones, I don’t speak German. And to be honest with you both, I think you’re going to have to leave. This bathtub has been slow draining for a while now, and I think I finally know why.
TOM JONES
Don’t kick us out Steve. I’ve been living off nothing but Aesop shampoo and salty ball sweat. If I had to go back to eating solid food I’m worried my kidneys might shut down. Baby it’s cold outside.
GRACE JONES
Tom Jones is right Steve, if you evict us from your plughole now we’d have nowhere else to go. You’d be signing our death warrant, darling. Grace wouldn’t survive a second outside of this damned PVC tube. Warm. Leatherette.
STEVE
I’ve heard of keeping up with the Joneses, but this is ridiculous. Okay fine, I’ll allow you both to live inside my plughole on one condition. And one condition only.
GRACE JONES
Anything darling. Drive it in between.
TOM JONES
Just name your price, Steve. Sexbomb.
STEVE
You have to be our little secret. And any time I encounter a problem in my personal life, I’m allowed to come to you for guidance and advice.
GRACE JONES
Well that seems fair.
TOM JONES
Fine by me.
[cut to three weeks later, Chad the high school quarterback has just dumped me to take Chantelle to the prom. I run crying into the bathroom, slam the door and clamber into the dry bathtub]
STEVE
I don’t understand, why are boys so awful? I hate Chad, he’s such a pig!
GRACE JONES
Darling, there’ll be a million Chads, but there’s only one you. And you’re amazing. If Chad can’t recognise that then he doesn’t deserve you. Slave to the rhythm.
TOM JONES
Come here my love. You’re a superstar. Any boy who can’t see that is a bloody lunatic. Come give your old Uncle Tom a kiss. *tom jones cough* Green green grass of home.
STEVE
I love you, Grace Jones and Tom Jones who live in my plughole.
GRACE JONES AND TOM JONES
We love you too