Uptown Squelching

These are the never-before released lyrics to Juicy Susan’s hit single, Uptown Squelching. It reached number one in the 1990s, and is still number one today, thanks to the Stasis Lock she created with a clap of her glistening palms.

Hi there, baby!
You’ve made it to the biiig squelch

[an enormous laugh, that beomes a gargle, then a spit]

I’ve been squelching
Uptown squelching

I’ve been squelching across the floor
You can see my trail lead out the door
Right into the bathroom where you’ll see
The moisture of my anatomy

My humid taint is damp enough
To irrigate a meadow
The liquid ‘twix my arse and chuff
More chocolatey than Freddo

I been Squelching
Yes, sir
Uptown Squelching

I been squelching in my pants all night
Through a meaty aperture so tight
I’m sliding slowly into view
From that door I mentioned in verse two

Did you forget the door?
[throaty unwell laugh]
Always keep one eye on the door, honey!

[spoken word]

I’m Juicy Susan
I don’t jump – the earth drops briefly from my feet
I sleep unobserved in the gaps in the universe
I eat leftover time and drink diluted clock cordial 

[screaming in apparent delight]

But most of all I am Juicy
Witness my squelching and hibernate forever

[singing again]

My squelching is not limited
To armpit, thigh or arse
I’m squelching in too many ways
For computers to parse

My shirt rides up, you’ll get a flash
My hot hot gunt’s got nappy rash
I turned a ton of talcum powder
Slick and stinkin’ like clam chowder

I been Squelchin’
Uptown Squelchin’

Squelching all night long, baby
Squelching like I never did
I’m handing you a can of squelch
Open the lid

(c) 2017 Susan/Spiner