The following is a transcript from the first episode of Regular Features, aired in 1925
ROBOT FROM THE FUTURE
Hello, and welcome to Episode 1 of Regular Features, coming live from the 1920s!
JOAN CRAWFORD
I’m Joan Crawford, and I’ve got something dead between my tits. Can the Regular Features team figure out what animal crawled into my tits and died, before I smash this loom with my big Hollywood hammer? We’re about to find out!
CAVEMAN
I’m a caveman who has just been thawed out of a block of ice, and you can expect some unapologetic masculinity from me! For example, I hear the 1919 Sex Disqualification Act allows women to become vets. As a caveman, I don’t even know what a vet is, so I’m not really in a position to make a joke about it. But you can imagine my bewilderment at this strange development!
JOAN CRAWFORD
Hi, Caveman! How are you enjoyin…
CAVEMAN
What is wrong with women these days? So rude. If I see a girl on the street with a nice smile, I’m like “hey. Hey. HEY. TAKE YOUR EARPHONES OUT FOR FUCK’S SAKE. That’s better. So, hey, what are you listening to? Oh, contemporary pop music? That is for stupid people. I bet you fancy big muscular men who will treat you badly. You will never like me, because I’m a nice guy. You hate that I’m so loving and kind, you fucking sack of dog shit. I hope you die of your own vagina.” Thank you very much, I’m a Caveman and today I’m noticing “things about women”.
ROBOT FROM THE FUTURE
I’m a robot sent from the future to prevent Margaret Thatcher from happening. I don’t know it yet, but my presence here today is actually going to accidentally set in course the events leading to the rise… OF MARGARET THATCHER
ALFRED ROBERTS
I’m Alfred Roberts, an English grocer, local preacher, politician – and podcaster! I serve as an alderman of Grantham and Mayor of Grantham. I’ve just got my wife, Beatrice pregnant from all the kissing we do. That is the first time I’ve heard the name Margaret Thatcher, and I like the name so much – I’m going to call our baby it!
ROBOT FROM THE FUTURE
Oh, no. I’m doing precisely the opposite of what my mission is!
JOAN CRAWFORD
Guys, there’s something going on between my tits. I’m not sure this thing is dead
CAVEMAN
Alfred, can I just ask – how did you get a woman to let you in her fanny? I bet it’s because you are an idiot, and you said something stupid and she was like “OK here’s my fanny, but only because I’m a moron and I hate nice boys”. People are shit.
ALFRED ROBERTS
What a persuasive argument! People ARE shit. I’m going to shout that into my pregnant wife’s belly until the baby comes out, then keep on shouting people are shit at it until I’m sure it believes me, and it’s in a position to use that belief to make decisions that affect the entire country.
ROBOT FROM THE FUTURE
Jesus Christ.
ALFRED ROBERTS
In the 70s and 80s. I don’t want to be too on the nose about it, or gild the lily at all, but it’s Margaret Thatcher you see. I’m her dad.
CAVEMAN
You think that’s on the nose? I’m a sexist Caveman for Christ’s sake.
JOAN CRAWFORD
Guys, I think my Hollywood tits just brought this seagull back to life
[pause]
ROBOT FROM THE FUTURE
Joan Crawford, we were supposed to be guessing what the dead thing was between your tits. Way to ruin your own feature.
JOAN CRAWFORD
WELL IT HARDLY MATTERS NOW DOES IT. IT’S NOT DEAD ANY MORE, AND I’VE GOT MIRACLE HOLLYWOOD TITS
CAVEMAN
Speaking as a rational athiest caveman, there’s no such thing as miracle tits. The only thing about tits that would be miraculous is if a woman ever turned out to be civilised and intelligent enough to let me touch hers.
ROBOT FROM THE FUTURE
Well that’s all we’ve got time for this week. Don’t forget to rate and review us on 1920s iTunes!
[rf episode=”207″]