volcano or paedophile, the best spam comments that akismet thought were fine on

Who knew that a post called “volcano or paedophile” would attract such a sexy nest of spam? Here’s my saved rave faves that slipped through the filter!

DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS? IT IS TIME TO EAT MY FUCKING CUNT!!!

ELNORA, FUCK.COM

Oh my God Elnora, I’m really sorry, you know how I lose track when I’m in my spreadsheets. I’ll be there when I’ve fixed this circular reference.

Look, I know you’re a horny guy and guess what? I haven’t got my pussy pounded in ages and I really, really need to get fucked hard. I want you to fuck my fucking goddamn brains out, you dirty little bitch! FUCK MY DAMN BRAINS OUT TODAY!!!!

TONI, FUCK.COM

This is really embarrassing Toni, because I can tell there was a crescendo going on there, and I really don’t want to seem rude. But I was distracted, because I mis-heard the beginning as “I haven’t got my pussy impounded“, and I missed the middle bit because I was thinking about the cat kind of pussy getting thrown into a puppy pound. I got a bit worried about whether they’d all be friends or not.

Can you just scream the last half again?

Do you think you can handle a sophisticated and dominant lady like me? Cause I’ll fucking throw you on your back and sit on your face while stroking your cock until it explodes and sprays your hot semen high up into the air! Can you handle my hot handjob?

Serafina, fuck.com

Serafina, I’m going to be honest with you. I didn’t know you were coming around, and I’ve just had a wank. So by all means sit on my face, but there’s no way that spunk is going high in the air. And as for the heat of the spunk? It’s unlikely it’ll hit room temperature – even after, you know, being in the room for a couple of hours. I put it down to a combination of my chilly ball-bag, and the unusually high specific heat capacity of my spunk.

By all means come over though. We could watch telly