Joe’s Features – The Regular Features Podcast Show

eight simple rules for dating my daughter

Hi, I’m fictional character H.J. Daddyrules. You might remember me from my TV show, 8 Simple Rules Dot Dot Dot For Dating My Teenage Daughter, in which I died early in the second season, coincidentally after popular television comedian John Ritter also died. Remember how the last thing my daughter Bridget, played by the radiant … Read more

Strokes, Did You Have One??

Sometimes it can be hard to tell if you have had a stroke, but with Regular Features’ new mnemonic method, you will always know if your brain got stuffed up by greasy old blood. Presenting “PLEASE HELP I AM STROKING”: Pins – are there pins in me? I can’t feel them Legs – are they at … Read more

shit and piss, gunky buttock filled with, harry potter and the

Once upon a time, renowned audio tit Cassetteboy chopped up Stephen Fry’s reading of the Harry Potter books and transformed them into something beautiful. His first story was Harry Potter and the Black Leather Cunt, which was to be followed by Harry Potter and the Underage Blow-Job. Several years passed, until Log decided to copy this idea, … Read more

garcia, the travails of

The long-neglected Regular Features voicemail feature revealed a tale of horror, of mystery, of hard, crispy fruits. We have contacted the police. 185: Stone-Cold Garcia’s Awful Wedding (Live)

pokemon go, a beautiful story about

Discovered on reddit.com/r/Pokemon

Taking an evening walk through my suburban neighbourhood last week, I couldn’t help but marvel at the effect that Pokemon Go was having on our community’s youth. While not a player myself (my phone is much too small), I enjoyed the sight of once-disparate groups conversing and pointing in glee, brought together by a virtual reality that has such tangible effects on those who choose to believe.

Upon taking particular interest in a young street gang that had paused play to take turns sucking happily on lollipops with some nerds, I slipped off of the street kerb.

“BABY,” screamed Trump, strapping on his space-age leg, “give me the good news”. Dr. Henrik Plaque looked unwaveringly at the presidential candidate in silence for three full seconds before, cowed by the unremitting, childlike moon-eyes that Trump used so well against Fox News anchors and pinko jellybones anarchist hatefucks alike, he cast his eyes down to the fool’s gold carpet and spoke. “Professor Trump,” he muttered, using the honorific his employer preferred in private, “you’ve lost another finger. The lupus is aggressive, and I don’t know how much longer we can keep giving you bionic parts before someone notices you won’t go within a square mile of a school science lab magnet.”