This script was initially intended to replace Episodes 6 to 12 of the third season of Discovery. Ultimately, it was replaced with something about the Guardian of Forever – like THAT’S a thing – and two episodes about Georgiou, in which she really grew from being a grumpy sass-pot, into an unrepentant torturer of her own adoptive daughter. I’m pleased to report Discovery has been renewed for a fourth bewildering season.
SCENE ONE: ON THE BRIDGE
DRAMATIS PERSONAE
MICHAEL BURNHAM, our hero who WON’T STOP BREAKING THE RULES
PHILIPPA GEORGIOU, the MIRROR UNIVERSE SNARK MACHINE
SARU who WAS SCARED OF EVERYTHING until FISH PUBERTY made him a CAPTAIN
SARU
Set a course for that fat planet over there. I want to get a closer look.
GEORGIOU
Oh GOD not another planet. What is it with this ridiculous ship and GOING TO PLANETS
SARU
Thank you for your input, Philippa, but we will be setting a course for that nice fat planet
GEORGIOU [to herself]
You’re such a weird fish pervert I bet you want to fuck the stupid planet
BURNHAM
Stop being evil so much Phillippa, it’s really distracting
GEORGIOU
Shut your legs you manky whore I can smell your breakfast
[pause]
BURNHAM
Are you saying I eat with my fanny
GEORGIOU
Far be it from me to be so bold. But if the shoe fits
[pause]
BURNHAM
If the shoe fits my fanny?
GEORGIOU
OH MY GOD SHUT UP
JOE
You know, Philippa – you might be a “bad egg” but I really love you and you make me want to be a better person, and that is what Star Fleet is all about
GEORGIOU
I am only so evil because someone I love died. [whispering really loudly at the camera] It was her! I know right? [back to Burnham] Also I love you so much, even though you are a massive fucking idiot, whom I hate.
SARU
OK Michael can you take us over to the fat planet please we’re on a mission now
BURNHAM
No Captain I’m really not into following orders at the moment
SARU
Michael Burnham I love you so much you are a dear friend to me and you make me want to be a better fish captain
BURNHAM
I love you too, and that is what Star Fleet is all about
SARU
Quite. Also it is about going to that fat planet for a mission
BURNHAM
Hmmm, nyeh. I’m going to chat to my best friend Tilly. LOVE YOU PHILLIPPA
GEORGIOU
Love you too you absolute vermin filth
BURNHAM
LOVE YOU TOO SARU YOU MAKE ME WANT TO BE A BETTER PERSON
SARU
OK PHILIPPA HAVE A NICE TIME
GEORGIOU
What an absolute piece of shit that woman is
SARU
In the time it took you to say that sentence I have grown extremely fond of you, Phillippa. Would you like a go in my chair
GEORGIOU
You’re not bad for a shit-eating fish dickhead
SCENE TWO: THE MYCELIUM SPORE HUT
MELODRAMATIC PERSONS
MICHAEL BURNHAM, our SOPPY BOO-HOO HERO WHO GETS THE JOB DONE
TILLY, the FART WITH A HEART
STAMETS, the PISSY MUSHROOM QUEEN
TILLY
Oh bloody Nora, have you seen the polarity intervals on that Mycelium regulator? They’re all cocked off to bollocks. WHAT AM I LIKE
BURNHAM [DEADLY EARNEST]
You’re an excellent Star Fleet officer Tilly. I believe in you.
TILLY
Well obviously you make me want to be a better person, Michael, that goes without saying. But I’m a right dickhead I am. I wouldn’t know a Jeffrey’s Tube from a Cylinder of Distilled Jalfraxian Swamp Sausages.
STAMETS
Oi! Are you two fucking about with my warp mushrooms? Cos if you are I’ll rip yer hands off. Star Fleet or no Star Fleet.
BURNHAM
Stamets I know you have a thing going on with the mushroom dimension but can you not bogart our only mode of interstellar propulsion
STAMETS
You know what, when you put it like that, it reminds me of the day I joined star fleet.
TILLY
Oh that’s lovely is that. Look at you too, forming strong emotional bonds. Oh I’m welling up, I just need to sit down.
STAMETS
Don’t sit on that panel! You’ll shoot all our mushrooms into space!
TILLY
Oh fuckin’ hell I’ve started sitting down now, I can hardly stop. Knees don’t work like that
BEEPS
BURNHAM
Well, there go all the mushrooms. Now we can’t go anywhere and improve ourselves by having adventures.
STAMETS
Ah well, never mind. I know it might seem strange me saying that, when I was really aggressive about twenty seconds ago, but Michael. You made me a better person
TILLY
Michael. Stamets. I love you both to bits but what the fuck am I like sitting my arse on that panel
BURNHAM
What the fuck are you like
STAMETS
What the fuck is she like
THIS CONTINUES FOR A BIT
BURNHAM
Shall I go and get the mushrooms back
STAMETS
I mean I guess
BURNHAM
I’ll get some other memorable characters together for an away mission, sweet
SCENE THREE : AWAY TEAM ON THE LOVELY FAT PLANET
STARRING, IN ORDER OF APPEARANCE
BURNHAM, the LARGEST EMOTION HAVER
DETMER, the ONE WITH THE EYE I GUESS
NHAN, the ONE WITH THE THINGS NEAR HER MOUTH
BURNHAM
Right, we’ve got to get the mushrooms back before Saru finds out and pisses himself. Who are you two
DETMER
I’m Kayla Detmer, the one with the funny eye.
BURNHAM
Drawing blanks, sorry.
LOG
I keep stopping for a couple of seconds. It’s my Season 3 thing I do. It might be foreshadowing something, but you know what? It probably isn’t. I just like doing it.
NHAN
I’m D. Nhan. The Barzan Cheif of Security?
BURNHAM
Well if I were you, Nhan, I’d get a gimmick like old Stop-Start Detmer over there. Because I’ve literally already forgotten you.
DETMER
Hey did you two notice I’d just stopped for a couple of seconds then?
NHAN
No we didn’t, because we were having a plot-advancing conversation, actually.
DETMER
Haha, yeah, I heard that. But the camera was on me not moving while you two were talking. Honestly, it was so dramatic and memorable. You’d be mad to write me out of the show with that kind of mystery going on
BURNHAM
You know what, I’ve noticed that the evil one, Phillippa – she’s been stopping moving every now and then for a couple of seconds recently.
DETMER
She’s fuckin’ what?
BURNHAM
Yeah, she stopped for so long she nearly fucked up a fight scene last week. Luckily she came back to life in time so there were no consequences
DETMER
Well, that’s me out then. That’s much more dramatic than my stopping moving for a couple of seconds during a tricky navigation.
NHAN
Oh babes. That must make you really angry
DETMER
I dunno. Am I the kind of person who’d get angry?
NHAN
I dunno. I don’t even know who I am, if I like you, or how I’d react to you being angry.
BURNHAM
Right, I’ve clapped eyes on them Magic Porcinis, girls. Let’s break some rules and get the job done!
DETMER
Nah, we’re just gonna stop here I think
NHAN
Yeah. We just have no idea what or who we are.
BURNHAM
Look. I know two things you both love. STARS and FLEETS. And when you put on that uniform, and your head pops through the little neckhole, if you’re not shouting STAR FLEET then you don’t belong on the HMS DISCOVERY. Now put on your mission jodhpurs and let’s scoop some mushrooms off this sexy fat planet’s mantle
NHAN
Thanks Michael that was a great pep talk. You make me want to be a better written person
DETMER
Star Fleet! That can be my new thing. They’ll never write me out of the show if I like STAR FLEET
NHAN
Ah for fuck’s sake – I was just going to say that myself
DETMER
Well double dibs, baby. Go and live on a Seed Archive or something
NHAN
You know what? Maybe I will.
SCENE FOUR: BACK ON THE BRIDGE
YOU HAVE BEEN WATCHING
MICHAEL BURNHAM, the hero who NOBODY LIKED FOR TWO SEASONS, BUT SEEMS OK NOW BUT MY GOD WILL SHE STOP CRYING AND SAYING I LOVE YOU
PHILIPPA GEORGIOU, the VERY RUDE LADY WHO PAUSES MORE DRAMATICALLY THAN DETMER
SARU who SHOOTS QUILLS OUT OF HIS HEAD FINS AND DICK MAYBE
SARU
Michael Burnham, it has come to my attention that Tilly sat on a panel and made the Discovery shit out its mushrooms, and then you went on an unsanctioned mission to the fat planet to retrieve them
JOE
Yeah, looks like I did an all
SARU
Needless to say I am very cross because I wanted to go to the fat planet so I could fuck it like the juicy planet fucking fish boy I am.
BURNHAM
Ah fuckin’ hell, sorry man. If it’s any consolation two crew members who’s names completely escape me seemed to become better people down there.
SARU
This is of some consolation, yes. Burnham, you are my best friend. And you cockblocked me from fucking a planet which is against Star Fleet regulations. Maybe you are the real Star Fleet.
BURNHAM
Saru, I am literally crying because I love you so much and I don’t think I’m going to ever stop
SARU
Burnham I think I just leaked some liquid Star Fleet from my gills
BURNHAM
I just turned into a Tricorder I love Star Fleet so much
SARU
I just went to Warp Factor 10 in my heart because I love you and I love Star Fleet
BURNHAM
Set phasers to Star Fleet and shoot me in the tits
SARU
You know the ancient movie Dial M For Murder? Well I DIAL ITHIUM FOR STAR FLEET
GEORIGOU
Hey everyone I just stopped being evil
EVERYONE CHEERS, CUT TO EVERY MEMBER OF BRIDGE CREW JUST OVERJOYED AND BEAMING WITH DELIGHT
SARU
GIVE THAT WOMAN ONE OF THOSE BADGES WE HAVE