hannibal reads the news

CHAPTER 1 It was just another Monday for Hannibal. He woke up in his warren, which is where Hamsters live. Earthworms churned throught the soil above him, singing as they left the earth more fertile, by eating it and shitting it. Hannibal liked listening to the Earthworms sing, even if no-one told him he was … Read more

terminator genisys

Terminator is on a roof. John Connor is on the ground and shouting up at him. JOHN Jump, Terminator. Your Terminator legs will protect you from damage. TERMINATOR Negative, Terminator is scared. JOHN You don’t any emotions Terminator, how can you be– TERMINATOR TERMINATOR SCARED. JOHN Terminator we have to go stop Skynet right now … Read more


The following is how the Regular Features team caught Wrestlingmania, and how we used it to kill The Rock. As of 2015, this is WWE canon. SCENE ONE – INTERIOR, THE ROYAL RUMBLE WRESTLING CHANGING ROOM LOG Well here we are boys, inside the Royal Rumble Wrestling changing rooms, where all of the world’s best … Read more

fivers, new

A picture of the new banknote demontrating that it is waterproof, with the Queen saying "I'm wet for pounds" and "spend me on crowns"

Is your business ready to accept the new five pound note? The new five pound note is money, and therefore in your business’ best interests. But you don’t want to throw good money after bad, so it’s important that you’re “on the money” with the new five pound note. After all, you know what they … Read more

shit and piss, gunky buttock filled with, harry potter and the

Once upon a time, renowned audio tit Cassetteboy chopped up Stephen Fry’s reading of the Harry Potter books and transformed them into something beautiful. His first story was Harry Potter and the Black Leather Cunt, which was to be followed by Harry Potter and the Underage Blow-Job. Several years passed, until Log decided to copy this idea, … Read more

regular features in 1925

The following is a transcript from the first episode of Regular Features, aired in 1925 ROBOT FROM THE FUTURE Hello, and welcome to Episode 1 of Regular Features, coming live from the 1920s! JOAN CRAWFORD I’m Joan Crawford, and I’ve got something dead between my tits. Can the Regular Features team figure out what animal crawled into … Read more

thatcher, margaret

Good afternoon. I am Margaret Thatcher. I first came to the public attention as a provider of stunt bras to the Carry On movies. You remember when Barbara Windsor’s bra flew off in Carry On Camping? That was one of my bras. Aerodynamic for flight, and padded cups for a soft landing. The right bra … Read more

garcia, the travails of

The long-neglected Regular Features voicemail feature revealed a tale of horror, of mystery, of hard, crispy fruits. We have contacted the police. 185: Stone-Cold Garcia’s Awful Wedding (Live)

pokemon go, a beautiful story about

Discovered on reddit.com/r/Pokemon

Taking an evening walk through my suburban neighbourhood last week, I couldn’t help but marvel at the effect that Pokemon Go was having on our community’s youth. While not a player myself (my phone is much too small), I enjoyed the sight of once-disparate groups conversing and pointing in glee, brought together by a virtual reality that has such tangible effects on those who choose to believe.

Upon taking particular interest in a young street gang that had paused play to take turns sucking happily on lollipops with some nerds, I slipped off of the street kerb.

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health reports, presidential


“BABY,” screamed Trump, strapping on his space-age leg, “give me the good news”. Dr. Henrik Plaque looked unwaveringly at the presidential candidate in silence for three full seconds before, cowed by the unremitting, childlike moon-eyes that Trump used so well against Fox News anchors and pinko jellybones anarchist hatefucks alike, he cast his eyes down to the fool’s gold carpet and spoke. “Professor Trump,” he muttered, using the honorific his employer preferred in private, “you’ve lost another finger. The lupus is aggressive, and I don’t know how much longer we can keep giving you bionic parts before someone notices you won’t go within a square mile of a school science lab magnet.”

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