jewry
Emralds, amthysts, stuff like that
Log
steve jobs
Are you Steve Jobs? Take this test to find out! An employee tells you she has devised a new procedure that might save your company hundreds of man-hours every month. Do you: Congratulate her on her proactivity and consider her for promotion Shoot her with a crossbow and whisper “Speaking as Steve Jobs, your artless obsession with the … Read more
doctor who
EXCERPT FROM STEVEN MOFFAT’S DIARY, JULY 1972 Let’s just take it as read, then, that I am the new Doctor Who. Here’s the title card, which will show on the telly while a posh bloke says “And coming up after the local news, Dr Who will kick the dicks off of some Go-Bots, or something”. … Read more
torchwood
Torchwood is a TV show in which literally anything goes. One minute Captain Jack Harkness will be stood on the roof of a Cardiff building, and the next minute a bloke gets his dick shattered into stardust by an alien with proper nice tits. And everything inbetween! Here is a brief guide to the first episodes of Torchwood: The … Read more
welsh
A language that for seventy years of English observational comedy was derided as a series of phlegm-filled hacks and sputters. If you ever had the misfortune to be alive in the 1980s, you’d have been treated to jokes such as: “That Welshman just said hello to me, and now I am irreversibly covered in sputum” “Apparently the River … Read more
gay?, is it
Are you gay? Here is a simple test for men: imagine you are sat at your desk, and you become dimly aware of a swooshing sound. Increasing in intensity, you begin to hear joyful screams between the rushes of air. Eventually distracted from your work, you turn around, and see that someone from HR has … Read more
trousers, removing your
When a man removes his trousers, it is a dark portent. Nothing good can come of even the unbuckling of a belt, let alone the sinister swoosh of fabric against thigh as his leggings fump into a foreboding heap. Nine times out of ten you can expect this scene to play out: [rf episode=”2″]
volcano or paedophile?
One is a towering mountain, gushing streams of molten rock down its slopes, and belching clouds of ash that will decorate the land for miles around. And the other… is a volcano! Jokes like this were rendered redundant when it was noted that volcanoes and paedophiles can be distinguished with a simple DNA test. If the … Read more
ghosts
When human beings die, two things happen. First, their body immediately begins to enact, at lightning speed, everything on the person’s “bucket list”. Watch an extreme slo-mo repeat of a man dying, and you will notice that he, to the best of his abilities: sticks his finger inside a dog’s lipstick pouch and wiggles it around with a … Read more
straight talking
On the 1st April 2014, a spoof newsletter was sent, and I’m using the passive voice here, to the subscribers of Roger Helmer MEP’s mailing list. How this happened remains a mystery to everyone except Roger Helmer MEP himself, who has identified the culprit and taken “appropriate action”. Well thank fuck you got the bastards, … Read more