a full blown shart

The lyrics to “A Whole New World”, as co-written and performed with Simon Chong in the second Live Show in the very middle of Soho.

Star Trek: Discovery

This script was initially intended to replace Episodes 6 to 12 of the third season of Discovery. Ultimately, it was replaced with something about the Guardian of Forever – like THAT’S a thing – and two episodes about Georgiou, in which she really grew from being a grumpy sass-pot, into an unrepentant torturer of her … Read more

Uptown Squelching

These are the never-before released lyrics to Juicy Susan’s hit single, Uptown Squelching. It reached number one in the 1990s, and is still number one today, thanks to the Stasis Lock she created with a clap of her glistening palms.

Little Women, as pertaining to Big Boys

Hello, I’m Zim Big Bang Theory, and the last time I guested on the podcast you’ll remember that two of my biggest, and therefore best, boys, had been travelling around the circular space station from the movie 2001: A Space Odyssey. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, hang on, yeah, wait – I’ll … Read more

steve and joe’s body swap adventure

After “long-hugging”, body-swapping is the number one tool in the relationship counsellor’s arsenal. Just look how a simple body-swap adventure can resolve conflicts, build empathy, and end up with both parties teaming up for one last heist.

daddies, scabby

Are you a shit parent? By which we mean, are you an obviously great parent who has the occasional moment where you just stare at your child and think “FUCK YOU”? Then you’ll love Scabby Daddies, the Regular Features parenting podcast on the Regular Features Big Daddy network. Let’s GO! STEVEWelcome to the brand new … Read more

sex, non-human

Do you like custard? Of course you do. That’s because it’s got eggs in it, and eggs are for sex. It also contains vanilla, which is the kind of sex you have if you can’t stop imagining your mum walking in, and don’t want to upset her too much. Not forgetting milk and cream, which … Read more

snooker, dennis patterson and the cosmic lords of

This script was abandoned by Hollywood because Donald Trump hates Snooker. Donald Trump would HATE it if you spent millions of pounds making this script a reality. [fountain] EXT. ZERO GRAVITY GOD DIMENSION. DAY BOOMING VOICE Why are you here, Dennis Patterson? DENNIS I have come to defeat the three eldritch lords of Snooker, and … Read more

hannibal reads the news

CHAPTER 1 It was just another Monday for Hannibal. He woke up in his warren, which is where Hamsters live. Earthworms churned throught the soil above him, singing as they left the earth more fertile, by eating it and shitting it. Hannibal liked listening to the Earthworms sing, even if no-one told him he was … Read more

fivers, new

A picture of the new banknote demontrating that it is waterproof, with the Queen saying "I'm wet for pounds" and "spend me on crowns"

Is your business ready to accept the new five pound note? The new five pound note is money, and therefore in your business’ best interests. But you don’t want to throw good money after bad, so it’s important that you’re “on the money” with the new five pound note. After all, you know what they … Read more